Finding Machine

Day 37-39: Distraction

2012-02-09T17:32:00.000-08:00

Hi! I haven't posted in the last few days for two reasons: one, I was out being creative. Two, I found a nasty infestation of clothes moths in our house which required the cleaning and laundering of everything in our closets.
These little buggers are not really that horrifying, of all insect infestations you can have in your house they are probably some of the least disgusting. However, it is gross to think about them crawling all over your stuff and eating your sweaters. Oh, my poor sweaters...

So, a couple things:

1) Craft night!
My friend Tanya has been inviting me to her weekly craft night for the past month or so, and I haven't gone because I am a lazy hermit and once I am home I can't leave or I'll turn into a pumpkin. But I went this week and we made this:

Yes, it is what you think it is, a 3ft paper mache dildo.

Sometimes I have a hard time with social anxiety. Meeting new people is always weird, and I feel like I always come off being mean or bitchy or too serious or whatever. It feels so lame to worry about what people younger than me think of me, but I worry that I'm not interesting enough or cool enough or artistic or weird enough to hang out with people.

I am trying to make myself do things anyway.

The rest of the weekend was a lot of this:

Home = safety.

I tried coloring my hair with henna (I want my hair to get a lot longer, but I don't want to damage it with chemical dye). I spent two hours sitting around after Zoard smeared poo sludge on my head and my hair looks no different. Disappointed.

I'm having a hard time making art, but I've been pushing myself to draw more. It's difficult to motivate myself when I feel like I have little free time, and drawing just makes time go faster.

Watching some interesting documentaries lately, but sometimes the subtitles aren't all that helpful.

Day 37: likes

2012-02-06T17:20:00.000-08:00

You know what is awesome? Pizza. It's versatile, delicious, and everyone loves it.

Day 36: Contact

2012-02-05T19:04:00.000-08:00

Zoard and I have been watching a lot of shows lately about remote tribes of people and their "strange" customs.
The one we watched last night, Puruambo is the story of a white man who travels deep into the rainforest of New Guinea in order to find and document a previously uncontacted tribe of people.

Another one we were stuck on for a while was Medicine Men Go Wild, where two twin doctor brothers travel to remote places and observe the rituals and medicinal practices of native people.

I am fascinated by these shows, but they also make me a little uncomfortable. Is it offensive to be interested in these experiences? Is it wrong to disrupt these people's lives for the sake of Western viewer's enjoyment?

As someone who will likely never travel to these places and witness these things for myself, how else can I learn about things like eating fermented seal blubber and being impregnated by a snake spirit (respectively)? I want to know about other cultures, but I feel like it is a bit disrespectful for a big white man to barge into some unsuspecting person's homeland and start taking pictures and demanding to be included in religious ceremonies. On the other hand, if the native people are not willing participants, then surely these things wouldn't be filmed.

On one show I saw, there was a situation where the two doctors encountered a sick baby. The tribal leader's medicine failed to cure the baby, and the doctors were hesitant to step in with their miracle drugs, not wanting to offend anyone. They ended up asking if they could help, and probably saved the child's life. But was it the right thing to do? How much should people intervene in situations where they feel a strong desire to assist, or in some cases, where they feel that a practice is morally wrong? The same doctors did nothing to stop the tribe's medicine man from performing a procedure that caused pain and likely permanent scarring to a child, but I think I would have struggled with my moral compass watching it happen.

In situations like this, is it better to respect the knowledge and decisions of the people native to the culture, even if their beliefs are opposite ours? If it is a matter of life and death, how much help do you offer? It is fascinating to watch things like this, not only to marvel at how vastly different cultures around the world can be, but also to learn to respect that our moral guidelines may not be shared by everyone.

Day 35: Monsters

2012-02-04T18:33:00.000-08:00

I have been drawing a lot of creepy monsters lately, figures with augmented features, hidden identities, and dark secrets. Here is some inspiration for this week.

Day 34: Adaptation

2012-02-03T18:29:00.000-08:00

I've written here before about my allergy to dairy, which can be a bummer. The worst part is all of the great recipes I used to love making that I can no longer make without cheese or butter.

However, this muffin recipe is one of my favorites, and I was thrilled when I successfully adapted it to be dairy free with a secret ingredient......tofu.

You will need:

2c all purpose flour
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1c sugar + a little for sprinkling
1/2c unsalted butter (I substituted shortening)
zest of 2 lemons (more of you want a more intense lemon flavor)
1c ricotta cheese (I substituted soft tofu)
1 egg*
1 tsp lemon juice
1/2 tsp vanilla or almond extract
1/2 c sliced almonds

preheat your oven to 350
whisk together dry ingredients (except sugar) in a bowl until combined.

with a mixer, beat sugar, zest, and shortening together until white and fluffy

beat in tofu, then egg, then lemon juice and vanilla

Add dry ingredients last and fold in by hand, only until combined.

spoon into 12 muffin cups and sprinkle sugar and almonds on top.

bake 20-30 minutes or until set.

*ps. if you want to make this recipe vegan, you could use egg replacer or 1/4 cup more tofu. I haven't tried either of these, so if you do, let me know how it turns out!

Day 33: Experimentation

2012-02-02T19:03:00.000-08:00

I got a lot of things done this weekend, and tried a lot of new things:
-gave Zoard a new haircut (not my best work...)
-made home made mayonnaise (3 attempts)
-tried coconut/almond milk for the first time (not my favorite)
-made peanut butter whole wheat cookies (failure)
-adapted lemon "ricotta" recipe to be dairy free (semi-success)
-worked on sketchbook drawing
-worked on collage book
-shopped at Market Basket
-visited Fringe Union

Shopping at Market Basket may not be exciting for some people, but as one who doesn't normally frequent the BIG food stores, it was quite a jarring experience for me. First of all, the lights are SO bright, and the location we went to is known for being extremely packed and rowdy (yes, people get in fights at this supermarket).
There were so many people there that I was constantly in someone's way when I tried to stop and read labels, or browse for a specific brand. I felt like I was being rushed around from all sides, pushed to hurry up and get out of the way. This was not an environment that facilitated conscious food choices.

Everything was incredibly cheap (well, relatively), but there was a heavy reliance on processed and packaged foods. Their produce section looked decent, but small, and the way the store was set up, it was the last place you stopped before checkout.
We bought a few things, and while waiting in line (forever it seemed like), I was noticing how everyone around me seemed to have a gigantic cart full to the top with groceries. Maybe this wouldn't strike anyone else as being strange, but when I left the store and saw people with their enormous cart piled high with almost every single item double-bagged, I started to feel a little grossed out.

It is easy for us to look down on other people for their food choices, especially if food is something that is important to you. Some people have not taken the first step toward caring or learning about food. It amazes me how so many people eat indiscriminately, as long as it tastes good. I know that not everyone can afford to pay premium prices for organic, or free range or whatever, but it is hard to believe that people can't afford to buy vegetables when they can afford to buy frozen dinners and doughnuts. Grocery stores play into our food buying choices as well. For example, why do you think that Market Basket has carts that could fit two adult humans inside of them, while Whole Foods has convenient mini-carts not much bigger than their handheld baskets? At Whole Foods, you pay more, but your cart gets full a lot faster, so it seems like you are buying a lot more groceries. At Market Basket, you pay less, and your huge cart encourages you to buy more, since you haven't filled it yet. It is one of many subtle cues that influence our buying decisions. Here are a few others that you may not have considered: Why are the most expensive, most sugary and brightly packaged items always placed on the middle shelf? Because they are at eye level, and if you only have a few minutes to shop, what will you grab first? Ever wondered why they place candy and magazines at the register? These are called "impulse zones", and they make it easy for you to make a last minute extra purchase before checking out. I'm sure that many of you already know this stuff, but it pays to think about it while shopping so that you don't get sucked in by things you don't really want to buy. I always thought it was weird that my local grocery store puts a big display of seasonal cookies in the produce department, but it makes sense when you realize that it us the first thing you see when you walk in the door.

Speaking of food, I tried three new recipes this weekend. One, making my own mayo. (I love mayo, and because I am allergic to milk, it is one of the only "creamy" things I can eat without getting sick. However, I don't like how processed it is, and I feel a little guilty every time I finish a jar of Hellmann's. I even notice the difference between jar mayonnaise and "restaurant" mayonnaise, that is how much I love it. At my work we make our own mayonnaise and it is so much better than the store bought stuff, so I thought I'd try a recipe I have been meaning to attempt for a long time.

pro tip: you can make this by hand or using a mixer, I used my little food processor. See the little holes in the top of your food processor's lid? That is where you should pour in the oil so that it drips in really slowly. If you are making it by hand or with a handheld mixer, just make sure to add the oil very slowly, a little tiny bit at a time.

Making mayo is a simple process of emulsion.
HERE is a basic recipe for making your own mayo, but you can definitely play around with the amounts to alter the taste, texture, and quantity you want. I ended up using a lot of vinegar because I like the flavor, but next time I might try a little garlic or something else for a different taste.

another pro tip: make sure the blades of your food processor actually touch the ingredients (double the batch if you have to).

Success!

Day 32: Sketchbook

2012-02-01T20:20:00.000-08:00

Hey y'all. I spent most of the day today drawing and daydreaming of Hungary. Zoard and I made an excursion to pick up our farmers to you order and went into Market Basket for the first time, which is a blog post unto itself.
We made some food and whatnot but otherwise I was drawing all day, and it felt so amazing just to be drawing something. The hours flew by and I didn't want to stop. In fact, after I am finished writing this I am going to go draw some more, even though I should be in bed.

I have never been much of a sketchbook person, I am not very good at drawing whenever I have a spare moment. I think of my sketchbook as a drawn record, like a magazine of images I want to look at. Sometimes I use it to map out a plan for something more involved that I want to draw. Sometimes I doodle just for fun.
I feel good about this day.

Day 31: One Month

2012-01-31T18:58:00.000-08:00

So, I started this blog one month ago. So far so good, though I find that sometimes I have been writing things like "hey I'm going to go draw now..." and then I just go watch tv. I am trying to keep myself motivated, but sometimes writing a blog post seems like more of a chore than a motivation. My posts this coming month might be short, they might be just pictures, but I will try to continue doing a post every day (I missed two days this month). More importantly, though, I need to actually make things.

I've been struggling lately with depression and anxiety, and a general lack of energy that comes with winter, but struggling means I am fighting it, that I don't want to let it win. I am thinking ahead about Budapest, and how fun it will be, and how great my life is when I am being creative and active and can drag myself out of the house once in a while because I haven't used up all of my energy being bummed out.

I am trying.

I am going to try a new thing: in addition to this blog, I am also going to try to write an entry in my (neglected) hard copy journal every day. It may be similar to my post on here, but overall it will help me come up with more ideas and maybe I will spend less time looking at stupid things on the internet and playing games on my phone. i.e. wasting so much time.

I talked to my mom tonight, and here is a quote:

Mom: "So I was reading about Budapest and at St. Stephen's Basilica they have his mummified hand..."

Me: "COOOOOOL I want to see that!"

Mom: "Erica, show a little respect, this is some sacred shit."

Day 29-30: Discomfort

2012-01-30T18:22:00.000-08:00

I feel all around uncomfortable this week. Mentally, physically, everything. there have been a lot of negative things happening and a lot of paranoid obsessive thoughts taking up my brain space.
Everything will be ok, I think I need to learn to not let other people's attitudes affect me so much.

Nevermind, because in less than two months I will be here:

BUDAPEST!
It has been several years since I have taken a vacation, and a very long time since I have left the country. I am a little nervous since I don't speak a lick of Hungarian, and I'm not sure what kinds of dietary options I will have but who cares? I will be in Europe.

Tonight I am going to work on some designs for a friend's band and try to draw myself out of this funk.
Have a good night!

Day 28: Wrong

2012-01-28T18:43:00.000-08:00

Today was frustrating. I seem to be having a lot of these days lately.
Today someone told me that what I was doing was Wrong.

Wrong.

Wroooooooooooooooooooong.

There were a lot of things that I would have liked to say at that moment, but instead I just started crying. I hate so much that this is my emotional response to everything.
Angry? Cry. Frustrated? Cry. Extremely happy? Cry. Sad? Cry. Embarrassed? Cry cry cry.
Crying is such a natural instinct. When we were babies, it was our only way to communicate. Now that we are adults, we hesitate to let anyone see us crying. It is a sign of weakness, of failure, of childishness.

Why are emotions considered childish? Trying to hold back emotions feels so unnatural.

A lot of times some of my best art work comes out of feeling totally awful. I wish it weren't true, but for some reason my creativity is tied to my melancholy nature. It has always been a way for me to push through emotions I can't really articulate.

Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow has to be better.

Day 27: Inspiration

2012-01-27T18:57:00.000-08:00

Day 26: Creating

2012-01-26T18:27:00.000-08:00

I basically locked myself in the studio today. I got a little work done, it's amazing how fast time goes by when you're concentrating. Pretty perfect weekend, though.

Day 25: Renewal

2012-01-25T19:07:00.000-08:00

Today was a fun day, which I desperately needed. Zoard and I slept in, made breakfast, then headed down the street to Inman Oasis for a hot tub soak and a massage (Zoard's first massage ever!). The hot tub was definitely relaxing, but I think hot-tubbing is sort of an acquired taste. After about 10 minutes I felt like a poached egg. I could feel my breakfast rumbling around in my tummy and my heartbeat thumping through the roof of my mouth. I got out of the tub several times to cool off, and I tried to focus on the sensation of my body floating and relaxing in the heat, but being in there was mostly...uncomfortable. I am willing to give it another try (maybe with friends? They have a community hot tub where a 30 minute soak is only $10).
The massage I had today was great, though, the woman I saw was very skilled and had an intense touch for such a small person (I'm kind of mystified by the strength of massage work, how do they do it?). I tried to breathe and really focus on my muscles relaxing. She massaged my neck and shoulders mostly, but also did my arms, legs, back, and face(!). The massage at this place is fairly pricey, but I highly recommend it. Zoard's experience was not as amazing, but he said he liked it, and he will know what to ask for next time.

Later in the day, we picked up our food from the farmer's co-op, and visited a little Korean grocery store in Union square. Have I mentioned that I love my neighborhood? There is such a variety of interesting food choices literally just blocks away from our house.
For one, this place is a packaging design student's dream:

Some things were a little more WTF than others.

Of these two things which would you rather eat? Hint: I choose the octopus. If here is an Asian supermarket near you, and you have never been there, give it a try! If you buy tofu, it will be cheaper, I promise. If you're adventurous, pick out something you have never seen before and try it.

We ended up bringing home a LOT of groceries. Combined with the great root veggies we got from F2U, we made an experimental version of an asian soup.

One thing I tried for the first time today was lotus root. I peeled it and we simmered it for a while, but it was still very woody and crunchier than the other vegetables, kind of like a water chestnut. The green and pink vegetable is a watermelon radish.

This soup had a lot of ingredients, we went a little overboard.
We used:
Lotus root
Watermelon radish
grated carrots
Eastham turnip
Green onion
Brown rice miso and white soy miso
black and white sesame seeds
Sesame oil
Soy sauce
Mirin
Salted seaweed
Tofu
Udon noodles
Baby bella mushrooms

I would write you a recipe, but really we just threw it together. It was one of those "keep adding stuff and tasting it" kind of things.
Anyway, it was yummy.

For dessert? Mochi. Heck yeah.

Now I'm going to go try and channel my creative juice and draw something.
Eat well, y'all.

Day 24: Clutter

2012-01-24T17:58:00.000-08:00

I like clutter. In some ways, I really identify with hoarders. I watch those tv shows and I think to myself "why are they making them throw that out??" I think part of learning to not let mental disorders overwhelm your life is to recognize and be able to distance yourself mentally from them so that you can at least say "I realize this is a disorder, even if I feel helpless to change it right now."

By some people's standards, my house is intensely cluttered. People often remark upon how "there are so many things to look at!" and "wow you have a lot of stuff!". I have always been drawn to collecting, and surrounding myself with things I enjoy looking at is comforting to me. I assign a lot of emotional significance to objects, especially small, beautiful, intimate things.

My preference for hidden things is reflected in my artwork. Most of the things I have made in the past 10 years have been small, detailed, and carefully catalogued into books. Partly it has something to do with wanting to keep a record of things, of my existence, and it is related to my collecting of objects as well.

If an emotion is invested into an object, that object has to be kept in order to maintain the memory. There are things I have kept for over 20 years, just because of the feeling that I get when I hold them. There are also significant memory objects that I have given away, which I deeply regret giving away, usually because the recipient, while at one time very important to me, is no longer in my life.

I sort of fear losing these memories. In the same vein, it is extremely fascinating to me to enter into another person's space, and notice the objects that they consider significant. Some people believe that the psychic ability exists to be able to detect a person's "imprint" on an object. A psychic can touch an object owned by someone and be able to tell where they are, what happened to them, etc. The same way some people believe we can leave our imprint on a specific location, our "energy", positive or negative, can remain in an object.

I never saw the art work in person, but artist Song Dong made an installation with the contents of his mother's hoarded house, and I imagine that the piece was extremely moving. In a society where we are taught to replace things with newer versions the minute they go out of style, it is important to me to stop and consider the beauty of an object worn in with use. The parts where the paint has rubbed off, or or the surface has been smoothed, or the cloth has become threadbare and soft as silk, those are the best parts.

It is unsettling to me to enter into another person's house where they don't own anything old. Do you have any object that you have owned for 10 years or more? What about your whole life? I have several, and they are the first things I would save in a fire. They are utterly valueless to anyone else, but their significance outweighs the monetary value of any of my other possessions. I am a memory hoarder.

I am getting better about it, learning to let things go. Sometimes all of my possessions stress me out, the house is so hard to keep organized. If you want to use one thing you have to move 10 other things, and that to me seems like the borderline of disorder territory. Little by little I am reducing, giving away, and selling things I don't need anymore.

The funny thing is, the more out of control my life is, the more I feel the need for order, for simplicity in my surroundings, because it is one thing I can control. I can't make someone stop patronizing me at work, but I can organize the cupboards, and there is a kind of comfort in that, in controlling your environment, and knowing that everything is right where it should be.

Little by little I am keeping my home and my mind manageable.

Day 23: Allergies

2012-01-23T17:18:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid I had allergic reactions to stuff, I never found out exactly what caused it, but I would break out in hives now and then. It was never really a big deal.

When I was 12, while wandering in the woods behind my friend's house, I somehow managed to get what the doctor called "a combination of poison oak and poison sumac" all over my entire face. The reaction lasted for (what seemed like) weeks, and I looked like I had an itchy red balloon for a head.

Then...nothing, I was blissfully allergy free for years and years and years.

Then last year. Something changed. My body suddenly became sensitive. I used to brag that I had the digestive system of steel, and that I could probably eat toxic waste without batting an eyelash. Last year, I began having crippling stomachaches every day. It was interfering with my job, and after suffering through it for far too long, I saw a doctor. The culprit was milk.

A blood test confirmed I had a "mild allergy", which I guess means that I won't die if I consume it, but I will not be comfortable. I had been drinking milk and eating cheese my whole life, in fact, I consumed a LOT of milk products. I realized just how many when I had to cut them all out of my diet completely. Where did this allergy come from? Did I give it to myself?

In the past few months, I have been suffering from some pretty intense reactions to chemicals, soaps, and I'm not sure what else.
The hand soap at my work started giving me a painful and itchy rash on my hands and wrists, which is a problem when you have to wash your hands 20 times each day.

Sometimes my eyes get unbearably itchy and end up looking like this after hours of rubbing:

Why?

Why is my body suddenly reacting to so many things? Why do antihistamines not work? why do so many people I know have allergies to foods? I met a man recently who is allergic to Beta-caretine, At least my food allergy can be found reliably on the label.

This has been a challenging day.

Day 22: Exhaustion

2012-01-22T17:47:00.000-08:00

I've been wearing myself out lately, and I'm feeling a little under the weather as a result. I'm looking forward to this Wednesday, when Zoard and I will be going to Inman Oasis for a hot tub soak and massage. It has just started snowing here, and it makes everything seem just a little more slushy and miserable. Better stay inside drinking tea and watching movies. Zoard is working tonight, and cooking for only myself feels weird.

Here are some other blogs I like for your reading pleasure:

Boing Boing
The Cornucopia Institute
Inside Insides
Miss Moss
101 Cookbooks

There are so many more but that should get you going.

Spring, come faster.

Day 21: Communication

2012-01-21T18:15:00.000-08:00

Lately I have been finding non-fiction so much more interesting than fiction.
I watched a fascinating film about deciphering the lost language of the Maya. I'm not sure if this is the same one, but the facts are the same.

It is crazy to think of how advanced this ancient civilization was, and how quickly their culture was erased. There is a man from Guatemala who washes dishes at my work. He speaks very little English, but by drawing pictures and using the very little Spanish I know, he told me about how the Maya people still have ritual ceremonies in the spirit of their ancestors, and that the Maya culture still exists and thrives in his country.

One day I walked into the kitchen and overheard a conversation about the Maya 2012 prophecy and whether the world will end in December. The following conversation ensued:

Me: "Why don't you ask Herwis what he thinks?"

White coworkers: "Why? Because he's an expert?"

Me: "Well, he's from Guatemala..."

White coworkers: "Yeah, but the Maya died out a long time ago..."

I was surprised to find out that these coworkers had never talked to his guy, didn't know where he was from, and didn't know that a culture native to his country was still around and, according to NOVA, comprised of over 6 million people.

The part that baffled me most about this documentary was that one of the early researchers of the Maya code believed that only a few of the glyph carvings actually meant anything, the rest were thought to be just decorative. I'll spoil it for you: he was wrong.

Sometimes people get so wrapped up in their own lives and their own experience, that they forget that there are millions of other ways to see the world. Sometimes we forget that other cultures and people actually exist. We think that anything we don't understand is stupid or unimportant. Anything that doesn't apply to our lives is not worth learning. I am ashamed when I hear fellow Americans talk about how we should not offer the same benefits to "illegal immigrants" as we do to people born in this country. I am ashamed that this Guatamalan dish-washer makes far less money than I do, because his job is not considered "skilled labor". His cost of living is much higher than mine (he has a daughter whom he sends money to, and he works two jobs, 7 days a week. Some people I work with send money home to multiple children and family members.) I would like to remind everyone who is not Native American that we were once "illegal immigrants" too.
This land was made ours only by force, and I don't feel that I have any right to say that it belongs to me and no-one else.

Remember, speaking the same language is convenient, but it is not the only way to communicate. Talk to everyone, even if they are different from you, especially if they are different from you. Ask people about their story. You will make more friends than you can count, and you will definitely learn something.

p.s. You can read about what the Mayan elders have to say regarding 2012 here.

Day 20: Inventory

2012-01-20T19:08:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about how I want to spend my money lately. I have some cash saved up from the past couple years "in case of emergencies", but also hoping to find some kind of opportunity to make it grow.

After reading the amazingly beautiful food blog 101 Cookbooks, I have been thinking about throwing down some serious dough for the kitchen equipment and supplies of my (modest) dreams. I have a feeling that if I wait long enough a good deal will come my way, but damn, I want a new stand mixer.

I've also been dream-shopping at Atlantic Spice, one of my favorite (because it's in my home town) resources for bulk spices and supplies.

Took some time out from my internet shopping spree to make dinner. We got some ground beef from the farm share this week, so we went all decadent and made burgers. I kind of maybe sort of added too much egg to the mix and they ended up being pretty sloppy-joe-ish, but they tasted awesome, and with the farm share onions and mixed shoots, they were a real treat.

With ingredients like this, you really can't go wrong (yep, I even made the pickles!) Next on the agenda: learn to make my own ketchup and mayo.

yum.

Day 19: Recuperation

2012-01-19T19:18:00.000-08:00

Today was a day to relax and recuperate, mentally and physically from the past week.
Because my job requires fairly early hours, and a lot of physical activity, I sometimes feel like my mind and body are wound into a tight knot by the end of the week. I need to have at least one day to stay home and do the things I keep telling myself I will work on.
Yesterday I said I would focus on reading, drawing, cooking, and generating ideas. Today was pretty successful as far as accomplishing all of these and I feel pretty good despite not having left the house all day (it's cold!).

I am currently re-reading Inga Muscio's book CUNT. I find it extremely empowering to read a book like this by a woman who is so wholly unafraid to be herself.

I spent some time in the studio today, messing around with watercolors. I don't really know what I'm doing with watercolor at all, and I wasn't thrilled with what I ended up with, but at least I'm doing something, and that's what counts, right?

Sometimes I feel so weirdly self-conscious about my art, like I don't want anyone to see it unless it's completely finished and something I am proud to show. I think I need to get over that feeling, just give up on everything being amazing and accept that it's ok to draw things that suck sometimes, it's not the end of the world.

So, after I gave up on being an expert at watercolor I went and did something I know I can be good at: I made a pie.

I've been doing a lot of hibernating lately, relaxing and doing comforting things. It's kind of just what I need right now. I have to remind myself that it's ok to take time out from social events, work, and life in general and just practice the art of chilling out.

Day 18: Struggling

2012-01-18T17:52:00.000-08:00

"Although I have felt compelled to write things down since I was five years old, I doubt that my daughter ever will, for she is a singularly blessed and accepting child, delighted with life exactly as life presents itself to her, unafraid to go to sleep and unafraid to wake up. Keepers of private notebooks are a different breed altogether, lonely and resistant re-arrangers of things, anxious malcontents, children afflicted apparently at birth with some presentiment of loss."

-Joan Didion

I had a day off today and slept in, cleaned the house, picked up the farm share, went out for drinks, going to attempt some drawing (which I haven't done in quite some time). Some people can draw all the time, like it is natural to them, they can hardly help doing it. Lately I can only draw deliberately, like it's a chore. It's as painful as pulling my hairs out one by one. Why? Why is it so hard for me? I enjoy drawing, I enjoy painting, I enjoy creating things, so why can't I motivate myself to do this?

Is it fear of failure? As we have already established, failure is a difficult yet necessary step in personal growth, so is it that I am afraid that my drawing will be ugly? Ugliness is at least interesting. Am I afraid that my drawing will be boring? Will it be amateur? Will I be embarrassed by the quality or of what it reveals?
Even stranger, am I afraid to succeed? Am I afraid that if I draw something amazing I will have to continue drawing amazing things? Will I be expected to reach and surpass the same and increasing levels of success for the rest of my life? Who will be requiring this of me except myself? Am I simply afraid to discover that I am not good enough?

I am good at a lot of things. So why do I feel as if the things I am good at are not enough? How do people feel satisfied with their lives? Does this moment in time define where my life will be headed? Am I just afraid of the future? Of time passing and not having accomplished anything? What do I need to accomplish in order to feel satisfied? how do I get out from under this weight that is holding back everything I know I can do?

I am so lucky in so many ways, which is why it is so much more insulting that I can't seem to feel like I have enough. I feel guilty for wanting more.

I think in this coming week I am going to try to dedicate my time to more specific tasks: reading, drawing, cooking, and generating ideas. I need to get psyched on something. Get myself inspired and excited. Suggestions are welcome.

Day 16-17: Adulthood

2012-01-17T19:36:00.000-08:00

I didn't make a post yesterday. My consistency is slipping. This worries me for two reasons:
1) I have been struggling not to succumb to seasonal depression this year (this project is helping), and I feel that by letting myself be lazy, by not expecting anything of myself, I am allowing the dark cloud to take over. Laziness is only a few steps away from eating an entire pizza and laying in bed all day wishing I would just die of an aneurysm or something so that I wouldn't have to go to all the effort of committing suicide.

2) It's disappointing. I don't want to feel like two weeks is the limit of my attention span. I have a hard time sticking with things, and I get bored too easily.

*20 minutes goes by.....*

Ok, so, after two weeks I feel pretty committed to this blog. I want to keep up with it, and I want to make posts every day. I feel like if I give myself the leeway of not making a post every day, I will take advantage and post only half the content and therefore do half the work. I need to give myself little pep talks every now and then.

Welcome to adulthood.

I think that I am a very meticulous person (in some ways, definitely not others). I often feel like if I could record just a little more, put things in order just a little more, I could have everything I want in life.
Everything is always too messy and frustrating. Do you need to be an expert on one thing so that you can be successful? Isn't there a career out there for someone with wildly varying interests and a dabbling of experience here and there?

Several times in my life I have spoken to people who have occupations which I could see myself doing for the rest of my life. I asked them, how have you succeeded in creating this? How can I have this in the future? They have always told me the same things, you don't want this, I am unhappy, I have had to do a lot of work that I didn't want to do.

It is hardly encouraging.
How does anyone manage to have a career? How do people own houses, have families? Should I be content with living this way?

I find myself having a lot of those "what am I doing with my life?!" moments. I am working hard, I am learning, I am earning respect and gathering information. I am preparing for the next phase, but what is it? I have to keep wading through the sludge of unhappiness to figure it out. If I keep moving forward and keep learning I know, I think, I'm pretty sure, maybe someday I can find it.

P.s. I did do something creative yesterday, I chose to knit a scarf for a friend from start to finish. Unfortunately, devoting the time to writing about it would have meant not finishing it, and I didn't want to leave a friend without a scarf, it is chilly out there!

Day 15: Warmth

2012-01-15T18:48:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling kind of in a funk tonight, I think I'm just going to knit and watch Sherlock. Have you seen this show? It is brilliant. I don't know why but I seem to have no patience for reading lately. I think it is because I can't read and make something at the same time. I wish I could do multiple things at once, like walk to work while taking a nap.
Anyway, it is super cold here, so I picked a few images to keep you warm (also it helps if you crank the heat to like 80).

Day 14: Nourishment

2012-01-14T19:02:00.000-08:00

"Do not depend on the hope of results, you may have to face the fact that your work will be apparently worthless and even acheive no result at all, if not perhaps results opposite to wht you expect. As you get used to this idea, you start more and more to concentrate not on the results but on the value, the rightness, the truth of the work itself."

Thomas Merton

Zoard and I made a cabbage soup with the 7lb(!) cabbage we got from Farmers To You. I seriously cannot recommend this service enough. It's amazing, and it's still winter. I can't even contain my excitement for all of the incredible food that we will be eating when summer rolls around. We have been eating some of the most vibrant and beautiful vegetables I have ever seen.

I am learning so much by doing this, about what is in season locally, how things are normally processed, what different varieties taste like (I have been ordering a different variety of apples every week for the past 6 weeks). I don't understand how people can work with food and claim to love food when they won't eat certain things. Of course, there are a few things that I don't find pleasurable to eat, but for the most part, flavor fascinates me. I would try almost anything once. More importantly, though, is that this experience has changed my ENTIRE perception of what food should be. The difference is astounding. I loathe buying grocery store produce now. If you had asked me a year ago, I would not have known any better.

One of the reasons people always give for not buying organic and local produce is that "it's so expensive". It's true, it is expensive, but it can be affordable if you change the way you approach food. If you eat meat for three meals per day and you suddenly decided to replace all of that meat with organic local meat, you would be paying at least three times more. But if you decide to eat local, organic meat once per day and vegetarian meals for the other two days, it can be much more affordable. If you think about it, processed and packaged foods are very expensive. A box of manufactured cereal costs upwards of $4 at my local grocery store, but a bag of oats and a drizzle of maple syrup costs a lot less, and will make you full longer.

I don't mean to be preachy about this topic, I feel as if I come off as a fanatic sometimes, but it is something I feel very strongly about. The food system in this country is unsustainable and deeply flawed, and in my small way I am doing what I can to support a movement away from the standard and toward a better, more sustainable (and delicious) future.

Here is some suggested reading/watching to get you started:

Food, Inc.
Earthlings (Warning, this movie is VERY graphic)
Eating Animals
Diet for a Dead Planet
The Omnivore's Dilemma
Everything I Want to Do is Illegal
Super Size Me

And here is a photo of me trying to type:

Day 13: Spiritual activity

2012-01-13T19:13:00.000-08:00

Do you believe in ghosts?

Our connection with the spiritual realm has always been something that has fascinated me. Ever since I was a child I can remember having strange experiences that I couldn't really explain. I have always felt a certain draw toward the ethereal, the spiritual, the unknown. People may think I am crazy for saying this, they may refuse to believe that it is real, that there is a spiritual level where we, as physical bodies, cannot function. Science says that it couldn't possibly be true, what would it be? What is it made of? Where does it exist? I am not sure about the answers to these questions. But I have experienced contact with spiritual beings, and in my mind there is really no doubt.

When most people think of ghosts, they think of something scary. It is scary to think that after we die our souls may be trapped between worlds, that we might get lost in purgatory, not really existing on any plane. It is scary to think of a creepy figure jumping out at you or attacking you with harmful intentions. There are negative forces out there, just as there are evil people on earth.

I feel sort of silly admitting that I believe this. Of course, there are things that I have seen or heard or felt that could easily be explained away as just an overactive imagination, but isn't it more interesting to believe that these things can and do happen?

Recently, at my brother's house, I had an experience which opened the door for more spiritual activity. He and his girlfriend were telling me about some strange sounds and moving objects they had observed in their home. Half-jokingly, I said to the room "if there are any ghosts here, feel free to say hello." Later, after everyone had gone to bed and I was alone, I heard a whisper "hello." At first I thought it was coming from the bedroom, but the door was shut tightly. I was alone, and a little scared. I politely asked that I not be contacted anymore, and as I fell asleep, I felt a sense of calmness and security.

Since then I have felt and seen a few things that I feel are unusual. Did I open a door by asking a ghost to greet me? Most people I have spoken to about this have related stories of deceased loved ones returning to relay a message or check in, or of people being contacted without asking. Everyone seems to have a story.

Are all ghosts just dead people coming back to haunt us? I don't really think so. I think that it has something to do with memory. I think in some cases a person's consciousness can leave an imprint on a place or an object, and their presence can be felt even if they are not physically present. I think it is somewhat boastful to claim one's own psychic abilities, but I think that if I tried, I could certainly connect with the spirit world. I'm not sure I want to try.
If anything, I think I have the traits of an empath more than a medium, and I have always had a knack for interpreting dreams. In dreams, we see what our inner mind is really feeling, though we may need help deciphering the symbols. I find it hard to recognize the meaning of my own dreams. Dreaming is fascinating, and a topic for a whole other post, but I do think that dreams are a window into our inner selves, our spiritual selves, and shouldn't be taken lightly.

What are your ghost stories? What are your dreams? Should I pursue a connection with the spiritual world? Do you think I'm crazy? I am honestly curious what anyone reading this may think. Do our spirits just shoot up to heaven when we die? Do they sort of hang around if they feel the need? Do spirits even exist? What, if anything, of ourselves do we leave behind? Tell me, how do you interact with the spiritual world?

Day 12: Rest

2012-01-12T18:45:00.000-08:00

Today I slept in, ate a beautiful breakfast made of all local and organic ingredients, then worked on finishing Zoard's hat and watching tv.

Purple fingerling potatoes, organic free range eggs, heritage breed pork sausage, seeded bread from Hi Rise Bakery, Apple cider, and coffee. Perfect!

This is, by far, the sloppiest hat I have ever made (and I started it 3 times! I don't know why, but everything I knit always ends up being enormous. I had to cut an extra 4 inches off of this hat to make it fit right. But, it was my first time using a pattern, so I was kind of pleased that you could at least see the dog in it.

Better luck next time.

Day 11: Body Work

2012-01-11T19:29:00.000-08:00

I have never in my life paid much attention to my physical well being. Of course, when you're sick, you try to heal, and when you're in pain you try to relieve it, but how often do you really think about what your body is doing and what it needs?

Since turning 28, I feel like I should be taking more of an active interest in my physical health. I mean, I'm almost 30, which is like soooooo oooold. No really, I never really imagined being 30, because it was always so far off in the future. I always told myself "I'll stop doing this when it becomes a problem". I love candy and sugar in all forms, I don't exercise much, I smoke a cigarette or two a day (but I have been a regular smoker since I was 16, that's 12 years!)I never really developed the good habits of keeping my body healthy, despite being called fat and told I really should exercise more since I was a child.

My job is pretty physically demanding. I do a fair amount of carrying heavy things, running up and down stairs, jumping, lifting, and bending over all day long. Since starting this job, I think I am in better and stronger physical shape than I have ever been. I am still technically "overweight", but this post isn't about weight (I'll save the body insecurity post for another day), and I fall into the borderline "obese" range on most height and weight charts.

One way that I am trying to be more healthy is through my eating habits. I cook at least once per week (usually a huge meal that lasts for several days), and eat non-processed, whole ingredient food (organic if possible), about 95% of the time. I eat very little meat, and avoid high-fructose corn syrup except for very occasionally. About two years ago I developed a dairy allergy, and was unable to eat any butter, milk, cheese, or milk products. Changing the way I eat has changed my life in a lot of ways. Having to change your diet drastically and not by your own choice is unpleasant, it sucks to feel like you can't eat whatever you want. Needing to have other people make special accommodations for you is embarrassing, but the more conscious of your food choices you are, the more informed your choices will be. Having a food allergy has forced me to take a long hard look at the way I have been eating.

Being more conscious of my body and what it does has made me more conscious of some of it's problems. One problem I have is chronically tense muscles in my back and shoulders. I have had this problem as long as I can remember. As a larger woman with large breasts, I figured it was just something I would always have to deal with. Now I am not so sure. It doesn't seem normal that I routinely wake up unable to turn my head to the side, or I feel like my shoulders are scrunched up to my ears. It doesn't seem normal that even moderate pressure on my shoulders is extremely painful. I have had many people try to give me shoulder rubs, and they are always more painful than pleasant.

Today I went with Sarah to the Cortiva Institute in Watertown, MA. for my second professional massage ever. My first massage was about a moth ago, from my friend Gretchen Hill, a licensed massage therapist who does some work out of her home in Cambridge.
The two experiences were pretty different. Today I knew a little better what to expect, though the therapist I saw today used a few different techniques that surprised me.

The Cortiva Institute is a massage therapy school, so you are being worked on by student therapists. I was a little nervous since I had heard that they can be quite nervous and a little afraid to apply pressure. The woman I saw today was confident and accommodating, and overall it was a very good experience. Unlike with Gretchen, this was not a super-private setup. The tables are arranged in one large room, divided by curtains for privacy. There is music playing softly, and the room is dimly lit. You can hear other people talking and making noise. While waiting for my turn, I watched the student therapists asking questions of their clients, where were some problem areas, what did they prefer, etc? I circled my spots of tension on a chart. I overheard a middle aged woman telling a young man that she wanted him to pull on her toes.

I would highly recommend Cortiva to anyone who is looking to try out massage on the cheap (if you go with a friend, you can get an hour long massage for $20 each). If you can get over the awkwardness of being naked (it was a main concern of mine at first, but you are actually covered by a sheet except for the area that is being worked on) it can really help to relive tension and pain. Even if you just want to relax (and let a stranger touch your naked body), it is 100% totally worth it. There are places on my body that I didn't even realize I was carrying tension until a trained professional targeted them with massage. It is an altogether different sensation than any other physical activity, including sitting in those chairs at the mall. I feel like continued body work will open up a new world of body ability that I have never experienced before.

Hat update: about halfway done. Nothing much to look at yet, but I will definitely post pictures once it is more complete. Yay!

Day 10: Hipsters!

2012-01-10T19:59:00.000-08:00

A topic came up at work the other day that I am not sure how to respond to: What is/am I a hipster?

This is a weird question, because of the catch-22 clause of "hipsters will always adamantly deny being hipsters". Does anyone actually identify as a hipster? Is it something that needs to be defined? There is a lot of hipster hatred out there, yet no one is really able to define what a hipster actually is. I guess it is easy to hate on a trend if you feel you are outside of it.

After reading multiple articles about how hipsters "live off of their parents' trust funds" and "ruined America's subculture", I am feeling a bit of an identity crisis. A lot of things that are defined as "hipster", and are therefore ridiculous or trendy, are actually things I like. Some are superficial, like shopping at thrift stores, which I have been doing my entire life....no...really....since...before it...was...nevermind.
But seriously, what is wrong with learning how to brew your own beer, or make your own clothes, or pickle things, for god's sake?

What is wrong with reclaiming traditional crafts? What is wrong with being in a band? What is wrong with wanting to be environmentally friendly and eat organic food and ride a bike? I feel like the label of hipster is so broad, because it needs to be able to encompass such a variety of personal style and expression. Anything outside the mainstream is labeled hipster, but what does it really mean? There is a pretty positive definition (among hundreds of definitions) on Urban Dictionary.

One thing that defines hipster for me is a sense of buying into trend without acknowledging the cultural significance and influence of fashion. If your personal style reflects who you are and your experience, are there certain lines we shouldn't cross? Millions of people from all ethnic backgrounds will appropriate Native American imagery and symbols, but far fewer (sadly, there are some) would appropriate swastikas. Both symbols, historically remind us of a shameful past, and while they do represent different things, one is ok to appropriate into fashion and one is not. It is lazy of us to say "but it just looks cool" and continue bastardizing the sacred symbols of another culture. In many ways cultural influence and appropriation are necessary, if we never draw on the influences of other cultures how will we generate new ideas? But there are ways to draw on other cultures with respect and fascination, and without cheapening the meaning of the symbol itself.

Once, while attending an event organized by Cultural Survival, I met a woman who was selling handmade jewelry on behalf of the women from an African tribe, to try to raise money for their village. Among the handmade jewelry was a beaded headdress, worn by a tribal woman on her wedding day. She had asked that it be sold for the money to support her family. I was torn, the object was so beautiful, but I felt so uncomfortable with the idea of purchasing something so precious to another human being, even though it would help them. There is something inherently wrong in my mind about "rich" white people buying cultural artifacts for use as decoration. Because we can't fully understand the depth of significance of these objects, we aren't fit to assume them as our own.

The great thing about the United States is that it truly is a melting pot. We have so many freedoms and conveniences that we take for granted, and the coexistence of so many cultures is a beautiful thing. However, as difficult as it is to define the term hipster, it is equally difficult to define what it means culturally to be American. What symbols of American culture can we draw on for inspiration? Recently I helped to work on a family tree project, tracing my heritage as far back as the internet would take me. I was relieved to discover my European roots, and finally have a sense of where I "come from", despite my family line having been present in this country since it's European invasion in the 1600's. Being white and American, I don't have roots, I don't have a distinct cultural identity that I can take ownership of. The things I know about the history of my culture I wish I didn't know, I am ashamed of, and I feel as if I can't escape.

I think the hipster "movement" is a symptom of this aimless ungrounded American past. For young people, we don't have an identity of our own, so we latch onto whatever stands out as a symbol we would like to emulate. I would much rather identify with the symbols of Native Americans than those of the white men who murdered them. I wish to harken upon the positive things we have done in the past, the creative things, the constructive things. If someone wants to call me a hipster because I sew a quilt and make bread for a living, so be it. If there are people out there who want to look down on me because I choose to recycle or eat organic, that's ok too. If I am going to be lumped into any category of people, I choose one that is educated, informed, and creative. If that makes me a hipster, that is OK with me.

Day 9: Social adventures

2012-01-09T18:53:00.000-08:00

One thing I have been telling myself that I would like to do this year is try to say yes to opportunities and spend time with friends when they ask me to. It is so tempting in winter to default to a routine of hibernation, but with the warm weather we have been having this season, it doesn't make sense to say no. I am a pretty solitary person, I always have been. I am content to spend several days alone with books and drawing materials before I feel a hankering for human contact. It is something that I have to remind myself of, that I enjoy spending time with people, and that going outside once in a while really doesn't hurt.

Today I went on a walk with my friends Sarah and Charlie.

We ventured into Lower Allston with our pal and sort of boss, Alex Paul. We ate Falafel and got chai lattes from Refuge Cafe. We talked about if balls can unravel (they probably can? Still unsure on this one.)

At Sarah's house we made potato and apple stamps.

When I got home Zoard was printing. You can read his blog post about it here: Zoard Tyeklar's Blog. I feel so lucky to live with such a talented fellow artist and all around awesome boyfriend.

But then, cat disaster struck!

The aftermath:

Day 8: Meditation and dreams

2012-01-08T18:11:00.000-08:00

Today I came home from work tired, tense, and anxious. I thought about what I'd like to do today that is creative, and thought today might be a good day to try some guided meditation. Meditation is something I have always been mildly interested in, but never really researched or looked into. I would always tell myself I am too busy, there are too many things I want to do instead of sitting still with my eyes closed.

I had tried using a track from the Meditation Station Podcast in the past with some success, so for today I chose the "work detox" track.
At first I found the woman's voice and the cheesy Enya-like music distracting, but the more I followed the voice, the more relaxed I felt. The guide asks you to visualize your tension and anxiety (I imagined mine as a tangled rope in the middle of my back) slowly releasing with every breath, allowing your body to loosen and relax. The last few minutes are just soft music. The guide mentions the idea of getting used to being an active and aware mind inside of a calm, relaxed body, which is an unnatural state.

I may have drifted off into a light sleep for a few minutes, because I suddenly was aware that the track had ended, and I was surprised to find that I felt really good. I mean, really really good. Some of my back tension had gone away, and I felt alert and refreshed.
It is pretty amazing to me the things our brains can do, and with dedication, I'm sure that meditation can be a great benefit to those who choose to pursue it. I am going to try again tomorrow if I'm in the mood for it.

I have always been fascinated by another brainwave pattern, our dreaming brain. So much can be revealed to us in our dreams, but our brains are tricky, and it can difficult for the dreamer to recognize the signs. I have kept a dream journal since I was a teenager, and I have drawn a lot of inspiration from the images I see when I am not awake.

Most people do not get enough sleep, and we end up walking around all day carrying a serious sleep debt. It impacts our health, as well as our ability to perform tasks. In the past few years I have resolved a lot of my sleep problems, but I had an old stand by trick for falling asleep which is similar to a meditation exercise.

Start with your feet, and while breathing deeply, try to relax every muscle of your feet and ankles. Imagine a white light entering your body with every deep breath, and all of your frustrations and negative feelings exiting as a black cloud with every exhale. After a few breaths, and when you feel like your feet are completely relaxed, do the same with your calves, thighs, etc. Slowly moving your focus up your body until you reach your head. Ifg you breathe slowly and deliberately and really focus on letting your body relax completely, this trick works like a charm (I am usually asleep within minutes doing this, I almost never get all the way to my head.) I find that meditation techniques can also be really helpful for pain management.

If you have never tried meditation before, there is an enormous amount of information on the internet. Even if you're not interested in reading about it, just try it. You might be surprised.

One thing I would like to change about my routine is altering my schedule to include more sleep. It's difficult, since there is always something interesting to read or watch or do instead. In the interest of my health, I think it is important. Now I have to work on my self discipline. Goodnight!

Day 7: Images of the week

2012-01-07T18:17:00.000-08:00

I made it through the first week of this project. I have to say, I'm pretty proud that I've stuck with it this long (isn't that pathetic?) I am also excited by the idea of doing creative things every day for the rest of this year.

I am too tired tonight to do a really thoughtful post, so I am just going to relax, knit a hat, and leave you with some images that have inspired me this week.

Day 6: Food choices, life choices

2012-01-06T17:18:00.000-08:00

Today I got into a lengthy discussion with some coworkers about whether or not people should choose to eat or use animals for food. Not surprisingly, people have very different opinions on this, and I have found that it is the #1 topic that will put people on the defensive very very quickly. People don't like to feel as if their food choices are being judged, and they don't want to be told that their food choices are wrong.

Meat eating is a topic I have been thinking about for a while now, and somewhat struggling with my ideas about. The ideas I have about it really deserve a longer, more thought out post than this one, but I can say that it is something that is not easily resolved. How far can you take the commitment to not support cruelty to animals in a society that is so dependent upon them? I love animals, but do I feel that they deserve the same rights and protection as humans? Is it ok to eat meat if it is ethically farmed? Is there even such a thing as ethical farming?

I'm not really sure how I feel about meat, the gap between animal and food is still quite large in my mind, as it is for most Americans. If you went out and interviewed 100 people on the street, I doubt that even 1/2 of them would know where their food comes from. Most people don't want to think about it, the process of raising an animal for food, the slaughtering of the animal, the processing of it's meat, and the energy and fuel it takes to transport it to us. Why isn't this more important in our lives? It is something our lives literally depend on. At the very least isn't it important to know what we are putting into our bodies?

I went home to do some thinking in the kitchen. Because nothing relaxes me more after a day of preparing food than....preparing more food.

My idea for cranberry cornmeal cake sadly looked a lot better than it tasted. We just smothered it with maple syrup, which can correct even the strangest of flavors.

Another recipe for the "try again" pile, but a worthy experiment nonetheless.

Day 5: Leisure

2012-01-05T19:07:00.000-08:00

Today has been a lazy day for me. I have a problem with feeling anxiety over not having enough free time. When I have days off, they seem to go by so quickly that it feels like nothing I want to do is accomplished. I feel unproductive if I don't spend the day doing some project I have been wanting to do. I need to remind myself that it is OK to take one day in the week to relax and not worry about accomplishing anything great. Zoard has the same problem, on days when we don't have to work, it feels unnatural to spend time just reading or playing a game.

This project is helping with that, because even if I am not very productive today, I know I will have another chance to be creative tomorrow.

This morning we made bacon and whole wheat pancakes using local organic eggs, honey, and flour from our Farmers To You order (the bacon is also local and organic).

We also bought a new cast iron skillet, which I have never cooked with before. Buying things to treat ourselves often winds up being new tools for the kitchen.

One of my Christmas gifts to Zoard was a bottle of whiskey barrel aged maple syrup from Langdon Wood and it is extremely delicious.

In the spirit of honesty and disclosing my failures, as so many cooking and lifestyle blogs don't do, I will admit that I need to work on this recipe, a few of our pancakes were raw in the middle. Oops. I will share the recipe as soon as I am happy with it, promise.

Day 4: Play with your food

2012-01-04T20:02:00.000-08:00

In the last few years my relationship with food has changed pretty dramatically. I always kind of thought I was one of those people who just "can't cook". I once left a teapot on the stove for 4 hours. I poured boiling water on myself when I was a teenager. I turned brownies into charcoal.
what I never understood about cooking is that you actually have to try to learn how to do it. It doesn't simply come naturally to some people and not others. If you can follow a recipe, you can cook. The quality of your cooking may not be amazing, but if you follow a few simple rules, I find that you can cover a lot of ground.

(I am totally making these up at this very moment)

Rule 1: Having decent tools makes the job much easier.
I really can't stress enough that you HAVE TO SHARPEN YOUR KNIVES, PEOPLE! I used to have a job selling cutlery. Yes, I know, it's strange. I would go into people's homes and give them demonstrations where I would turn apples into birds, cut pennies with scissors, and compare their knives to mine. I would ask them to get their favorite knife, and let me tell you, 90% of people are using dull knives in the kitchen. Though it seems counter intuitive, dull knives are actually more dangerous than sharp ones, since they are more likely to slip and cut your finger. Serrated knives really can't be sharpened, but you shouldn't be using them for anything other than cutting bread or maybe tomatoes. There are professional knife sharpeners out there, and if you have a decent set of knives, it will be worth it. If you are using the same knife for everything, you are doing it wrong.
Overall, having some basic knife skills will save you a lot of money in silly kitchen gadgets designed to make cutting things easier. I will say, however, that a food processor is a very very useful tool.

2. Use good ingredients.

If you buy the cheapest ingredients, you're probably eating a lot more toxic chemicals than you realize, but besides that, you're just really missing out. For some people food is a luxury, there is no getting around it. It is easy to say "I can't afford it" when it comes to the more expensive, organic produce, but I'm not talking about caviar and fois gras here, I just mean choosing the better quality foods at the supermarket. Even better, don't buy produce from the supermarket. Farmers markets are plentiful in most areas, especially in the summer months, and believe me, you will notice a difference in flavor. I buy all of my meat (which is very little)and most of my produce from Farmers To You, a service that supports small farmers and offers relatively local and seasonal organic food. It is expensive, I won't lie, but eating healthy food is a top priority in my budget, over seeing a movie or buying a new shirt. If you think you can't afford it, take a look at what you are spending money on. Maybe you can rethink some of your priorities to include nourishing your body.

3. Compare recipes.

A lot of people have a lot of different tastes, so even if something has 10 stars on epicurious or something, even if it's some stranger's grandma's secret recipe that EVERYONE LOVES, it pays to compare recipes. If anything, it will give your dish a little of your own personality. Different people have different ways of cooking. It also helps to use websites (if you're using the internet) that allow comments, so you can see further suggestions, like cutting back on the white sugar, which is almost always a good idea.

That is all I can think of at the moment, but you can definitely look forward to more food related posts in the future. I am by no means an expert, but if you don't like to cook, don't worry, maybe you will learn to love it.

Those parsnips burned my eyes.

Day 3: The pleasure of learning

2012-01-03T19:23:00.000-08:00

Today I plan to start on the dog pompom hat for Zoard (yesterday I made my chart and balled my yarn). i don't have any pictures to share yet, but today I have been thinking about experiences and sensations that we don't normally think of as "fun" but are pleasurable nonetheless.

1. Color

I really enjoy colorful things. Color can be such a statement, political, racial, visual. In our everyday lives we hardly notice it, we are so trained to recognize color as communication. Red means "stop", "hot", or "cherry flavor", but the color red is not truly associated with those things except in our minds.

Color can help us to organize, it can be a memory tool, it can evoke emotion, it can help us heal.
HERE is an interesting chart illustrating the range of human sight and hearing. In fact, most color is not even visible to us.

The way we perceive color is very ingrained in our culture as well. There is a fascinating passage in Stephen Pinker's book The Language Instinct which you can read here, that describes how different cultures approach the language of color. Many cultures have only words for black and white. If they have a third color word, it is for red, then yellow or green, then both yellow and green, then blue, then brown, then, if it wants to show off, purple, pink, orange, or grey.
I would like to do more research on our perception of color, but I think I need more than one day to pursue it.

2. The pleasure of watching something being created

Once, I saw a woman crocheting a very complicated lace pattern on the train. Fascinated, I watched her hands moving for several minutes, until another passenger across from me (who had also been watching) caught my eye and said "Beautiful, isnt it?".
I find it enjoyable not only to create things myself but also to watch creative work being done by others. I also find a certain pleasure in watching the monotony of things being manufactured, like in shows such as How It's Made.

As an advanced society that is so reliant on technology and instant gratification we are very much removed from the process of creating the things we use. Do yourself a favor and watch something being knitted, woven, sewn, fabricated, manufactured, painted, drawn, molded, or cast. You will be interested, I promise.

3. The pleasure of watching something be destroyed

Here's another story: when I was a child, no older than four, my parents gifted me a mineral specimen, a shiny, rainbow hued chunk of Bismuth. It was beautiful to look at, but it was soft, and I realized I could easily break it. After breaking off a few small pieces, I made an impulsive decision to smash the entire thing with a toy hammer. My parents couldn't quite understand why I had destroyed this gift, and I couldn't quite explain it. I don't remember if I was punished for this, but if I was it was worth it. I still remember how good it felt to smash that thing to pieces.

Day 2: New Techniques

2012-01-02T17:49:00.000-08:00

Hello, I am still here!
Today I am going to try to learn a new knitting technique. I told Zoard that I would make him a hat for Christmas....and valentines day...last year. SO I am finally getting around to it.

I finished a scarf for myself (which Zoard is modeling here three ways). It was a really simple design, basically just a tube of Lion Brand super bulky yarn in Little Rock Granite knitted with a #17 round needle. The green bit at the end is where I ran out of yarn and had to finish casting off in another color (I am clearly an expert knitter). A lot of times when I knit something I am never sure how it will turn out. I am trying to get better at making things the way I imagine them, but in order to do that I need to sharpen my skills. I started this scarf 3 times.

Tonight I am trying to learn intarsia, a technique of knitting where you change colors by using a new piece of yarn for each color change. I am using the book Picture Perfect Knits by Laura Birek. There is a preview available on Amazon, this is a really cute book. I think sometimes knitting conjures mental images of grandmas, I know it does for me, but I think it is really cool to reclaim this sort of old-fashioned craft in a new way. Maybe there are some things we can learn from our grandmas after all.

Here is my chart for a pattern.

Yep. Zoard's only request was "a dog and a pom pom" for what he wanted the design to be. I am using two shades of green acrylic yarn, Bernat "Super Value" in Grass and Red Heart "Super Saver" in Spring green. Now, I just have to teach myself how to do this. Wish me luck!

Day 1

2012-01-01T17:33:00.000-08:00

Some people think the world will end this year. I am not one of them.
I made a lot of New years resolutions last year, some which I have kept, some I have not. This year, I am making one resolution, a big one. I am embarking on a journey of self-education, reflection, learning, and commitment to creativity. I am going to do something creative or educational every day and write about it here. It's not important to me if anyone reads this, though I encourage feedback of any kind. I am blogging about this process so that I can look back and get better at identifying which parts of my creative nature are productive, and which are destructive. I want to be able to remind myself to stay interested in life and learning, that education doesn't only happen in schools, and maybe I can teach others something along the way. My motivation is simple: BE CURIOUS.

The parameters of this project are very broad, and I think that is the only way it will be a success. If I need to let myself take a break from art to read a book or watch a movie, so be it. But hopefully I can learn from everything I see and be inspired.

My New Years Eve was spent at home, with the love of my life, knitting and watching television while drinking pink champagne and it was perfect.

After an overwhelming and stressful Christmas season, it was just what I wanted to do. I am making myself a scarf-like thing, since knitting has become something of an obsession recently. I will post more about it tomorrow.

One of my favorite Christmas gifts was a set of mugs made by a talented artist friend Adams Puryear (his Etsy shop is here).
They fit an entire 1/2 bottle of champagne each.

Zoard's sister Nora had her tattoo finished recently, and it is awesome. This year I resolve to get more tattoo work done (sorry, Mom.)

Yes, it is an alien tomato taking over Budapest. Amazing. Fun fact: in Hungarian, the word "paradicsom" means both "tomato" and "paradise".

Happy New year.

Thanks giving

2011-12-07T18:34:00.000-08:00

Had a nice evening with the family, and made my first entire meal cooked by me alone. I mean meat, vegetables, sides, dessert and all. I was very proud and everyone left stuffed and happy.

I have been thinking about expectations lately. I started a journal entry in October that begins like this:

"I am sort of maybe kinda on the verge of an interesting new opportunity. I have never been much of a future-planner, but sometimes the universe throws you a sign, lets you know that you're in the right place at the right time."

Reading that now, less than two months later, I'm not quite even sure what I was referring to.

Things are going well, I should say. I am enjoying learning new things every day, though I never could have predicted that I would end up where I am today, doing what I am doing.
I have made an early new year's resolution: make something every day.
It can be a meal, or a drawing, or a sculpture, a dance, a new skill, something, just be creative and make a commitment to creativity every single day. I think this is the most important thing.

Testing....

2011-09-08T14:57:00.001-07:00

New tattoos are exciting.
So are tomatoes that finally decided to show up.
Summer, don't go!

Round up

2011-07-07T18:55:00.000-07:00

Hello,

I feel like it always takes me ages to post updates. It is in my nature to be slow at taking action, rather, taking many tiny actions which (eventually) lead to a larger change. It takes me a long time to be creative. I get distracted easily.

I have been working on the same book now for about 2 years. I would say it is roughly 1/2 completed. Once a book is finished I feel relieved, like I can start something new. I work on about fifty collages at a time, it's just how my brain works, a sort of splintered attention to detail. One tiny change at a time, an entire collection of works take shape.

I might change one page twenty times until it feels right. Sometimes the pages just don't want to be finished. Sometimes they truly frustrate me. Sometimes it takes layer after layer of paint and paper to find a point where I am satisfied with an image I've made.

I don't think that creativity is something that I control. This might sound strange to some people, but I have always struggled with the concept that art comes from me, when it feels like it comes through me. I have ideas, and make creative decisions, but ultimately when I am creating something I feel as if I am channeling a force outside of myself, a force which I have little control over.

Will it be there if I sit down to draw? I don't always know it will.
I feel as if my mind has changed as I've gotten older, I don't have the bright flashes of brilliant ideas couples with the thrill of inspiration I had when I was young. I have slow, thoughtful ideas now, the kind that either take days to develop or seemingly slip out while cutting shapes out of paper and show themselves, haltingly, in brief and hesitant relationships with the elements on the page.

I don't know how to generate the kind of energy I used to have for art making. My mind feels cramped and locked up, like ideas are being forced through a tiny opening in a fence, or dripping accidentally like a leaky faucet. The art is coming out, but painfully.

When I look at other people's art for inspiration, I feel awed and envious of what they have created, but even more envious that they can seem to let the creativity flow out so easily. Do other people get bored with their own work? I have felt many times that my work was not good, not worth showing to anyone, but most of the time if I continue to work on something long enough, it will eventually get to the point where I feel that it is "good", it "feels right".
It reminds me of the way that people with Obsessive Compulsive disorder say that they have to repeat a task until it feels right, the ritual has been completed. If they perform the ritual incorrectly, it has to be repeated until it is correct.

They can repeat the action thousands of times, but in the end it really has no meaning except for in their own minds. When I don't make art I feel guilty, like I have neglected my obligation to create things. I might spend most of an entire day sitting at my table, pushing shapes together. Some days it feels like an immense waste of time. Other times I have to remind myself that this is the way I work, not to fight it, and that it is OK.

I think of it as a way of documenting my experience. Paradoxically, by spending so much time creating these objects, I am severely limiting time that I spend doing or experiencing anything else.

I ask myself occasionally what is the purpose of this? Does anyone see it? Is it worth the time and energy? But somehow it seems important and unavoidable. I would not trade being an artist for a life of simply existing.

Hello, again.

2011-05-23T16:50:00.000-07:00

Hi. So it has been over two months since I have written anything, and, truthfully, drawn or made anything interesting art-wise. The past few months have been a messy, stressful, and challenging time! I left my job, which I had been working at for about four years, started a new job, dealt with several medical emergencies, was rejected from shows I applied to be in, recovered (mostly) from a long, drawn out illness, and am just now starting to feel normal, at home, and satisfied with how things are going.

Leaving my job was a big change. I had been working there since I graduated college, and had put a LOT of effort and time into doing my job really well, despite the fact that at many moments I considered leaving, or disliked my situation. It got to the point where I had to make a decision: I could a) move forward in the direction I was headed, which would mean better job opportunities, more money, security, and respect in the field or b) start over. From the beginning. With no experience and little knowledge of where the next step would lead.

Initially, I thought that moving up in the industry was what I wanted. The allure of more financial security was very attractive and the idea of having more power and more control in the business made me feel confident and important. At my age, running a store seemed like an accomplishment I could be proud of.

So if I was on the right track toward a career, and this is what I wanted, why did it feel so wrong?

I have always been the type of person who becomes bored and unhappy without a new challenge. And I have always known that whatever job I have, I want it to be creative, and afford me time to pursue art as well. Moving forward in this job would only take (a lot) more of my free time and energy. Over the past four years I felt as if I had to change my personality to fit into the role of Corporate Manager, and it just wasn't "me". When I walked into work each day, I felt my confidence dwindle and my posture change. Doing the work, I often felt like my mind was numb, and every new problem was incredibly irritating. I wanted to learn, more than anything my brain needed new information. I started having health problems which I attributed to allergies which I had never had before in my life and which my doctor could find no reason for. In fact she told me that in most cases these problems were caused by heavy drinking or other destructive behavior, but in my case (since I don't drink heavily) it appeared to be caused by stress.
I woke up each day with a feeling of dread that I would be stuck in this job forever.

I thought about my dad and how much I admire him for following his vision in life, even though it didn't entail having a standard 9-5 job. How many people are miserable where they are because they can't see any other option? I am too young to be stuck in a job I don't like just because I couldn't imagine getting by with less money. I realized that by trying to conform to what I thought I "should" be doing, I was distancing myself from what I wanted to be doing. If a positive change was going to happen in my life, it had to be made by me.

It was time to leave. With a sense of desperation and terror, I started drafting cover letters and sending out my resume. Most of the jobs I applied for I had never done before, and had no idea what I would be getting myself into.
My criteria consisted of three things:
1) I didn't want to pay to commute to work, so it had to be within walking distance.
2) I didn't want to be in a position where I had to spend most of my day serving customers.
3) I wanted to learn a new, useful skill, and preferably work with my hands.

I went on several interviews, which ranged from bizarre to humiliating, and was offered two jobs. I informed my managers that I was leaving and they were very understanding. I decided that my next move was going to be something very different; I was going to bake bread for a living.

Yep. For the past two weeks I have slowly been coming to terms with the fact that I am no longer a corporate manager, I am now a bread baker. I wake up every day at 5am. I wear my grungiest clothes and very little makeup or jewelry to work. And strangely, I feel more confident, more myself than I have felt in a long time. (How could you not feel confident looking like this?)

I used to wonder "does anyone ever wake up in the morning feeling good?". The answer is yes. It is possible to wake up feeling good, to go to work and enjoy your job, and to feel satisfied with less money, less control, and less responsibility. Sometimes you just have to let go of what you think you should do, and see what else might be possible.

Chirp Chirp

2011-03-12T19:57:00.000-08:00

Spring is almost here, and thank goodness! This past winter has been rough in terms of feeling lost, lonely, unproductive and depressed. I keep saying that I'm going to do one of those "do one drawing every day forever" kinds of projects, but after a few days I forget, or there is something that needs to be cleaned, or I get sucked in by the internet. For the first few days, though, I am a drawing machine. Especially since it only requires me to sit in front of the TV.

One of my new years resolutions (has everyone forgotten about those yet?) was to draw more, write more, and keep up with this blog. I do want to keep you updated on what I have been making, it just hasn't been too much lately.

The other day I attended an author talk by Dr. Shelley Carson on her book Your Creative Brain: Seven Steps to Maximize Imagination, Productivity, and Innovation in Your Life. She had us do a visualization exercise, where you picture your most valued possessions in order of importance. In my visualization, my artwork was at the bottom of the list. (The list of the most important things.) I wondered why I had chosen to place my art at the bottom of the list, beneath my pets and other possessions. It was partly because I know I can always make more, that the potential for creation that my brain and hands are capable of is limitless.

My relationship with my art is hard to define. One one hand, it is a product of me, of my brain, my imagination, my technical skill. On the other hand, once you give life to an idea, once you make it real, doesn't it become separate from you? The concept of placing value on ideas is a loaded one. Do I put a price on my art based on how long it took to create, the materials I used making it, the emotional significance of the subject? If I can easily reproduce an object, does that mean it has less value?

Why is a sculpture or painting by Takashi Murakami worth $15.2 million when he didn't even create that sculpture himself? The value of art at once has nothing and everything to do with who made it. You can claim ownership of an idea that existed before you, you can create and sell a copy of someone else's artwork, you can steal a piece of art by someone else, but what makes these objects and ideas so valuable? What makes some ideas more valuable than others?

I have had a frustrating few months, where I have been turned down for several jobs that I had high hopes for, and which I thought I had a good shot at. I am very burned out on working in a job where I interact with people who are unhappy all the time. I find myself daydreaming about going back to school, which is something I thought I would never say, given how difficult my college experience was the first time around. Yet, I am desperate to learn. In Dr. Carson's book, she talks about shifting between "brain sets" and how different brain activation patterns can effect your perception, decision making, and problem solving. When I am learning, I can literally feel my brain expanding.

How important is money? In a society where your worth is based on your annual income, it is hard to walk away from a steady job which allows you to afford most everything you need to live. But to live happily? I am not the type to be satisfied with a position that isn't challenging, isn't rewarding, and isn't creative. Maybe I'll never be able to afford a fancy meal or a new ipod ever again, but I feel like I have to walk away from the world of corporate America and find out what I am supposed to do with this life.

How will I know if I never try?

HEY! I think I know that guy.

2011-01-26T12:30:00.000-08:00

I have been feeling pretty bummed out lately, and pretty lost as far as knowing what I want to do with my life. One of my new year's resolutions is always to make more art, but this year I told myself I would participate in as many shows as possible, and work on making art a business. One thing that has been cheering me up is the fact that I am making good on that promise to myself!

Since the last time I posted I have added one new drawing to the series of ugly face drawings I was working on, and they will be shown this weekend in a show at the Washinton Street Art Center. The show is portrait themed, and the title is HEY I KNOW THAT GUY. (My interpretation of "portraiture" may not be everyone's cup of tea, but there you go). I am pretty excited, and happy that I have participated in two shows within a month, after not showing work for a few years. Sometimes, the fact that Boston is such a small town can really work in your favor.

I have found that having a laptop with all of my source images ready for viewing really helps to inspire me. I think every artist sometimes has those moments of "what should I draw???".

(Zoard having one of those moments.)

I make a habit of saving TONS of images from the internet on an external hard drive, and then I can pick the ones that I think will be helpful, throw them onto a memory stick, and look at them while drawing. This way, I have my choice of thousands of images to draw from, and it doesn't take up much space. I used to cut and paste images from magazines into blank books (I actually still do this and have several books dating back to when I was a teenager. It's amazing to see how one's tastes change over the years.) While it is helpful to have giant books full of images as well, it is time consuming, and with so little free time as it is, digital is quicker. I also read literally hundreds of blogs, so that helps.

A cat in a shoebox is essential to cultivating one's creativity.

Something else that has changed about my process over the years is my patience. By that I mean that I can work from my own drawings and sketches much better than I used to. It used to be the case that I would draw something or make something once and only once. My rough draft was my final draft and I never pushed things to their limits. I never expanded on an idea. I just got bored and wanted to move on to the next thing, learn the next technique. This is kind of my style for everything, and it rings true in all parts of my life. I get bored very very easily. I want to learn everything, know everything, and do everything and please don't ask me to spend too much time doing one thing. As I am getting older, though, I feel that I am becoming more able to focus on seeing something through to it's completion, and to it's potential. Well, maybe not all the time, but I'm working on it.

It really is a bad habit, but it is one of the reasons I have been able to do so many things at once. I am always working on multiple projects, in case I get bored with something. While drawing these, I had to force myself through some of the biggest areas of color and make sure I didn't get lazy with the quality of the drawing. I knew there was a time limit on making them for the show, so I convinced myself that I would get them done.

The way I draw is very tedious, and it takes a long time. After spending an entire weekend drawing and having completed only two pieces, I felt accomplished, but also a little defeated. Why can't I be like some of my friends, who can bang out a book full of drawings in an hour? I have always been jealous of people whose art making doesn't require eight hours and a day's worth of in depth research. But That is my process, and I can't deny that this is how I work.

Ready to go!

PS. Having cute, furry companions in the studio never hurts, either.

Preview

2011-01-17T19:23:00.000-08:00

For the past few weeks I have been out of touch. Twice a year my job becomes all-consuming, extremely stressful, and basically takes over my life for about 2-3 weeks. This year, I dealt with the usual strenuousness, plus I was applying for a promotion. The process was long, drawn out, and torturous, and the anxiety made me barely able to function. I would get home from a 12 hour work day and go to bed. Then get up and go back to work the next morning. I would eat three meals a day at work. So, more or less, my mind hasn't been on art lately (although the Small Works show went well, and I sold a few things, YES!).
You can see a video of the opening HERE or some photos of the event HERE

It was the first show I have participated in since college, so I was pretty excited.

So, crazy hell week is over, I had my final interview on Friday and it went great. I was feeling pretty good (despite making myself sick by not sleeping or eating well). I go home and wait to hear if I have the job or not. The time comes and goes during which they promised to let me know. Still hopeful, I email and ask for an update. They respond that another candidate was "a better fit", but that they think I have "a bright future" with the company.

Right.

I was really disappointed. Have you ever convinced yourself that you wanted something really badly? I felt like I put myself through an emotional roller coaster, waiting to hear back after my first interview, accepting their offer of salary, waiting to hear when my next interview would be, then, rejection.
Nothing stings so badly as rejection.

Why didn't they want me?
I'm not qualified enough.
But I've worked really hard and deserve recognition.
I'm not good enough.
I don't have the experience they want.
How can I ever learn if no one will teach me?

After a day of my mind spinning around with self-doubt, I sat down to do something I know I CAN do and AM good at and DO enjoy: draw.

I haven't drawn anything with strictly colored pencils since high school, but it used to be my medium of choice back then, and I won several awards for my drawings.
I couldn't stop thinking about this job and feeling like a loser, so I decided to draw the ugliest thing I could think of.

I also needed work to submit to an upcoming show at the Washington Street Art Center, which was portrait themed, so that worked out well.

Then I started thinking how can I challenge myself? Can I draw something that is ugly and beautiful at the same time?

I think I'll make two more of these for the show, and then make prints available on Etsy. Makes a great Father's Day gift!

And what do you know, I feel a little bit better.

Second chance

2011-01-02T09:18:00.000-08:00

I am a collector of things, and one of my passions is giving new life to old, discarded and unwanted objects. It is fascinating to me to think about the life this object may have had before I found it, and I truly believe that part of our energy becomes ingrained in the things we own and love. Why let something be thrown away when all it needs is a little repair? It disturbs me how easily we send things to the landfill. If it is no longer in the shape we bought it in, we tend to think it is worthless. So few people have the skills to make things for themselves, and why would someone spend the time making or repairing something if you can afford to buy a new one? It is sad to me how the trades and crafts that used to be essential to our survival and culture have disappeared in favor of mass produced, disposable objects.

I never got around to posting photos of a project Zoard and I worked on this past summer, the restoration of a vintage credenza. Walking home one day we passed a house who had just finished a yard sale and were throwing out piles of vintage stuff, including this weird piece of furniture. A lot of it was damaged and not worth saving, but this thing caught my eye, it's funny legs and retro look just called to me. The folks who owned the house told me I could have it for free if I just took it away, so Zoard and I carried it up our street and into our apartment.

Then we realized...this thing was filthy. I mean, I have no idea what these people had been using it for, but it was disgustingly dirty.

At some point in it's life it had been painted white, but was so stained and covered in grime that the paint was not worth saving. It looked like someone had been filling it with dirty dishes for 20 years, there was sticky residue of..something all over the inside. Worst of all, it stank of cigar smoke. This poor thing needed help.

First, we spent a few hours scrubbing every inch of it with bleach. The smell lingered a bit, but at least most of the grime was gone. Next, we planned to strip the paint and see what kind of wood we were dealing with.

Underneath was a beautiful grained wood, we thought it may be red oak. It had been stained underneath the paint, and there were a few spots where it was damaged beyond repair, but after a thorough sanding, it was coming back to life.

We had planned to stain it again, but sadly, the wood was just too pitted to be able to get rid of all of the old paint. We opted to repaint it again, with a more modern palette this time.

Luckily, the wicker panels were in decent shape (and the smoke smell came out, thank goodness!) so we didn't have to touch them (in my experience, trying to repaint wicker is not a good idea). We also just happened to have the perfect space for it to live in our kitchen. Welcome back to life, little credenza!

Twenty eleven

2011-01-01T14:16:00.000-08:00

Every year I write a list of goals, and usually follow through with most of them, though some remain on the list year after year. This year's list is longer than ever before, maybe because I have higher expectations for myself, maybe because I feel like my life needs a lot of changes. 2010 was an OK year, but I am resolving to make more of an effort in 2011, to focus on getting to where I want my life to be, to working on my Self. Happy New Year!

Images of the week

2010-12-04T10:18:00.000-08:00

Images of the Week

2010-11-21T19:28:00.000-08:00

crafts

2010-11-16T18:29:00.000-08:00

Hello, I am writing a real post! It is difficult for me to discipline myself to writing in a blog regularly. I ted to overthink posts, what I want to write about, ideas that are not fully formed. I have to remind myself that I should just do it, get it over with, move forward. I tend to get stuck. For example, in our storage space, there is a pile of stuff we didn't sell last year at our yard sale. We don't need this stuff, we don't even want this stuff. It is probably getting moldy down there as we speak, but when Zoard suggested taking it to Goodwill, I just...couldn't. I couldn't stand the thought of throwing away something potentially valuable, or that I might want someday in the future. That's what I mean by getting stuck. Sometimes I just mentally can't clear out the cobwebs enough to see the next step, even though I know that it would feel good, that I would be happier if I did.

Lately I have been making progress, though.

I am making things again.
It is weird to think that there was a time, a long period after "graduating" from art school that I hardly made anything.
Making art is like that for me, it comes in waves. I try to work on a million things at once so I don't get bored.

I have been making leather things, little pouches for organizing and keeping emergency provisions. Also I have been making jewelry.

Evan though using leather is not very vegan of me, I like the idea of re-using a material that would have otherwise been wasted to make something beautiful.

Creating art for me is a chemical reaction. I literally feel endorphins flooding my brain. I enter a trance where time slows down. This beautiful thing never existed before my brain created it. That is the beauty and the thrill of making.

Also, some of my drawings are going to be in a show! If you are able to come to the opening or stop by the store while it is up, I would really love it! (P.S. Zoard has a piece in it too!)

Well, Good Morning!

2010-11-15T20:18:00.000-08:00

This morning I spent a few minutes staring eye to eye with a very big red-tailed hawk, with very big sharp talons on my way to work. In an alleyway between two buildings at NU, this guy swooped down and hung out with me until I had to go to work. Better than a cup of coffee!

IOTW

2010-11-06T17:22:00.000-07:00

Images of the Week

2010-10-29T12:53:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had the experience of wishing desperately for time to do all the things you have been wanting to do and when the time arrives you find yourself stuck, immobile, unable to accomplish anything because you HAVE TO DO IT NOW OR YOU WON'T GET ANOTHER CHANCE? That's where I'm at right now.

"New" Arts!

2010-10-26T19:55:00.000-07:00

Hello, I have finally gotten around to adding some more print options to my etsy shop! It sometimes feels like such an effort even to post something online, but when you finish something it really does feel amazing. After this past weekend and (almost) finishing a new project all in one go, I feel pretty elated. I truly feel that making art is more satisfying and enjoyable than just about anything. When I finish a project, I feel euphoric, no joke.

All of these are available as prints in my Etsy shop, I will do custom sizes and whatnot, I will even hand deliver them to you if you live in Boston. I love how colorful my shop looks now. Already people are adding these to treasuries! Yay!

you can definitely see some recurring themes here. The woman's face was a drawing I did from a found wedding photo. The photo is one of my favorite found things ever, the couple look really happy and the bride is beautiful.

Images of the week

2010-10-22T11:43:00.000-07:00

I read a lot of blogs. I mean, hundreds of blogs. And I save a lot of images for art inspiration. I would like to post some every week to show you what inspires me and maybe you can see where some of my source material comes from.
I don't usually make a note of the sources of the photos, but if you happen to know where they came from, I will certainly give credit. (I happen to think people are a little too uptight about this, and I think it's kind of silly just to cite someone else's tumblr, so I'm not going to do that.) If you see your photo here, be flattered!

New York, New York

2010-10-16T12:04:00.000-07:00

After a few stressful weeks of not having enough time for anything creative, Zoárd and I decided on a whim to take a day trip to NYC. Man, I am so glad we did. Aside from the 4 hour bus ride (each way) we had an amazing time and saw a ton of great art.

We decided to go to Chelsea, which is home to more than 200 galleries. The last time we had been in New York was in 2008 (I'm not sure why we hadn't gone in all that time. We had talked about it, I guess it just never seemed convenient). We had visited some of the galleries there on our last visit, and it was interesting to see how much a space can be transformed by the art it contains.

We had a few galleries in mind which we really wanted to see, but there are so many within walking distance we were able to zigzag up and down the streets and stop in to check out any shows that looked interesting. There are too many to see in one day, so after a few hours we chose to skip a few and just go directly to the few shows that we were interested in.

One of the first galleries we entered was the David Shrigley at the Anton Kern Gallery. We had seen a show of his work at the same gallery two years before, so we were particularly excited to see some newer work. If you are unfamiliar with David Shrigley, go to his website (Davidshrigley.com) and browse the "drawings" section for a few hours. His art is crude, primitive, and completely hilarious.

Some of the art we saw was more self-referential than anything I have seen of his before, poking fun at himself for being a big, famous artist. His drawings were mostly done with a black marker on white paper, though it seems like he is starting to use color and paint more in his work, which I loved.

Shrigley's shows usually incorporate a variety of media. Like the last show of his we went to, this one included sculpture, drawings, paintings, and animation. The drawings sell for upwards of $2000, but they usually have books and tote bags for sale as well. After kicking ourselves for not buying a tote bag last time, Zoárd purchased one with the motivational slogan SHUT OFF YOUR BRAIN.
The sculpture in this show was more subtle than some of the previous Shrigley sculpture I had seen. There were some pieces (like the tiny bronze "IT" you can see in the photo) which were so unnoticeable that you could have tripped over them. One wall was dotted with strange, finger-like bronze protrusions, like fifty misshapen bronze penises sticking out at you. Then, all alone, one little bronze lump sticking up from the floor. If you are a fan of subtle, absurd humor, you will understand why I found this hilarious. (True story: once while walking past a restaurant, Zoárd and I both laughed at the huge circle of condensation that had accumulated on the window as a result of the diners' hot food, then immediately said "why was that so funny?!" Don't ask me to explain it, it just is.) Shrigley's sculpture manages to capture this bizarre hilarity in a way that almost everyone can understand. The sculptures in the center of the gallery were ten pairs of boots made of plaster or ceramic or bronze, I couldn't tell. I love how Shrigley's sculpture is so similar to his drawing style as well. Some of the other sculpture from the show included a white ribcage, bronze rings, and a few bronze hands, which the kind folks at the gallery let us pick up and hold (!).

The sign out front of the gallery.

See some images of the previous David Shrigley show HERE

The highlight of the trip, in my opinion, was the Tanya Bonakdar gallery, where they were showing sculptures/installations by Sarah Sze.

The scope of her installations is so immense, it is truly breathtaking. I had never actually seen any of her work in person before, but photos really do not do it justice (there are more photos of her work on her website). Walking into the gallery I saw a small apparatus in the corner, and at first was confused about what it was, but when I walked into the main space it became clear that it was part of the sculpture.

Countless materials were used to make these pieces, and there were too many things to even photograph. The structure itself was impressive, made of wood and shelving and all tilted at a precarious angle, but then it was filled with so much...stuff. It appealed to both my tendency toward obsessive compulsiveness, and my affinity for chaos at the same time. I wanted to pick up each object and study it, then go home and organize all of my possessions.

A lot of objects were hand made, as in the photo above. The leaves and bottles were cast plaster, resting on little blue felt squares, and highlighted with circles of red thread.

The fish were made out of newspaper, and there were little packages of food or drink containers stuck in amongst the crafted bits.

The feathers were cut paper, and beneath them were little plastic dog figurines, sitting in white jewelry boxes.

The painted and wrapped sticks were some of my favorite parts.

In her "Portable Planetarium" piece, you can practically stand inside the sculpture, while overhead projectors dangle from the ceiling, casting a starry glow on the walls.

Another piece was constructed all the way up to the skylight, and featured a fan that oscillated creating a chain reaction of objects moving, dragging, and hitting each other.

The structures seemed so delicate, like one gust of wind or breath might knock the entire thing down. The scale of the construction in addition to the miniature objects contained in them created this amazing sense of a dream world, almost like a dollhouse, where objects have an importance of their own.

If you ever have the opportunity, I highly recommend going to see Sarah Sze's work in person. Like I said, these photos are an insult to the experience.

We covered a lot of ground in the few hours we spent in Chelsea, But some of the other shows that we saw which were worth mentioning were:

-Carl Andre, Dan Flavin, Sol Lewitt, Richard Long, and Mario Merz at the Gladstone Gallery

-Michael St. John at the Andrea Rosen Gallery

- Tetsumi Kudo, also at the Andrea Rosen Gallery

-Sue Williams at the 303 Gallery

-Pipilotti Rist at the Luhring Augustine Gallery

-Paco Pomet at the Monya Rowe Gallery

-Louise Bourgeois and Tracey Emin at the Carolina Nitsch Project Room

-Judy Pfaff at the Ameringer McEnery Yohe Gallery

-Katharina Fritsch, Robert Gober, Nan Goldin, Andreas Gursky, Martin Honert, Charles Ray, and Terry Winters at the Matthew Marks Gallery

-Marjetica Potrč at the Meulensteen Gallery

-Jeff Bark at the Hasted Kraeutler Gallery

There were so many more that I didn't get documentation of, but if you would like to see more photos from the day, check out my Flikr.
I hope to go back to NYC in a few weeks for the NYC Art Book Fair, but I'm not sure I will be able to stop myself from spending all of my money there. If you get the chance to go to Chelsea before it's too cold, pick up a copy of Art Forum and go, go, go!

Beautiful weekend

2010-07-18T20:56:00.000-07:00

This weekend has been awesome.

After a stressful week, it was very relieving to get out and do things in the sunshine (and heat! It has been consistently in the 90's every day for 2 weeks here in Somerville).

Saturday was the Union Square Farmer's Market. How have I never gone to this before? We went to see and support our pals at Union Press, but came home with armfuls of loot. It felt like we had just won the lottery.

Here is what we bought:

Herb plants (spearmint, basil, rosemary, and purple chili pepper) 4 for $10
Herbed honey (mint, lemon verbena, and lavender) 3 for $9
Peach Jam $6 (absolutely, 100% worth it)
Strawberry Rhubarb pie $6
Taza Chocolate (salted almond) $4
Red beets $2
Golden Beets $3
Japanese turnips $3
Purple carrots $2
Dill pickles $7.50 (ouch, but they are delicious!)
Union Press prints and postcards $20

We "pickled" the beets, basically just boiling them and soaking them in vinegar for salads.

I fell in love with the purple chilies because of how cute they were, but when the farmer selling the offered to let us try one, and crushed it in his (very dirty) fingers, I was sold!

As we usually do with farm fresh vegetables, we made a stir-fry. I really feel it is the best way to enjoy these kind of vegetables without overcooking them. I tried to add one of the purple chilies, but the flavor didn't come through, hmph.

Aren't the purple carrots beautiful? I had never tried them before, but they taste a little less sweet than a "normal" carrot, a little bit more like if a parsnip and a carrot had a baby and named it Delicious.

Yum! That is fried tofu on top, Zoárd says if you freeze it and then fry it, it has a "better texture". I have no clue about tofu. I enjoy eating it, but it has always been a food I can't figure out how to cook without screwing it up completely.

The rest of the weekend was devoted to fun projects. It is very rare that I feel like I have the energy to get a lot done on weekends, I usually just want to relax and have at least one day of "do nothing time", where I am not obligated to do anything in particular. It is rare for me to feel like I have accomplished a lot during a weekend.

We made bleach stencils on t-shirts and...ahem...other things.

We worked on our flower wall, an ongoing project.

And, or course, we made a little progress on our Spring cleaning.

There are a couple of other projects we have been working on that I am dying to post, but I want to wait until they are complete, so I will keep you...uh...posted.

Hope your weekend was as good as mine!

Art/Work

2010-07-11T18:50:00.000-07:00

While we're on the subject of definitions, I am going to tell you a secret:

I live a double life.

Half of the time, the time I spend at my job, I am an alter-ego. I am a serious, ball-busting boss and manager. I decide whether to hire or fire people, I get to tell a lot of other people what to do, and I maintain a delicate balance of productivity. I analyze reports, I make schedules, I order product and time deliveries. People rely on me to do my job because without me, things would not get done.

The other half of the time, I am an artist. I create things with my hands, I do delicate drawings and cut pieces of paper and bind books and make jewelry. I read hundreds of blogs and magazines, saving images for reference. I bake delicious foods and do research on herbal remedies. I go to gallery shows and open studios. I go to craft shows and flea markets. I help to organize an artists' collective

Both halves are equally frustrating and satisfying in different ways. Some days I hate my job. Some days I wish I could be doing something, anything else. And then some days I feel very proud of what I have accomplished there. I appreciate the skills I have acquired, which I know will (and have) become valuable in other areas of life.

Sometimes I wish my life could be all free time, every day. Time off from work goes by so quickly and that feeling of meditation I experience while drawing is a death knell of the weekend. I will look up from a drawing and three hours have passed. And there are still dishes to wash. Never mind the four hours I just spent looking at the internet.

How is it possible for a person to make a living as an artist? Most of the creative people I know have another job that pays the bills, and they spend most of heir time outside of work trying to get ahead with their artistic projects. Cartoonist Erika Moen describes the process perfectly.
Studio space costs money, materials cost money. Even selling your art online costs money. And after all that, what if you can't sell anything? What if people just don't like your work? An artist friend of mine once told me that the work she had done for most of her life, the work she was famous for, was never what she had truly wanted to be making, but it was what she knew she could sell. Is an artist required to compromise their vision in order to create sell-able work?

In art school, one of my professors stood in front of the class and said "You are all here because you think you will become famous. You won't." Naively, I was surprised to hear that, coming from an art professional especially! Before I had gone to college, at my teachers' urging, I had entered every contest available I had effortlessly won a handful of awards for art.When I told one of my classmates this, I expected her to be impressed. Instead she told me "yeah, we all did."

So how can I be a successful artist and make a living off of my work? Is it even possible? My first step has been creating an Etsy shop. So that when I talk to people about the kind of art I make, I can direct them to somewhere online that it is currently for sale. My artists' collective (which consists of myself, my partner Zoard, and our friend Will) have participated in craft shows in the past, but found it to be too time consuming for our tastes. While it is a great way to get your name out there in the art/crafting community, it can be frustrating to spend so much time preparing and then an entire day sitting at your table if you don't sell anything. A few times we just barely made back our table fee, and then we decided to call it quits on the craft show scene. But the fact is, people did buy our stuff. We made money off of creating something with our bare hands. And that feels really, really good.

It truly is the best feeling in the world to sell something you have made. To feel like you have created something of value from seemingly valueless materials is satisfying as hell. So how do you do it? Stay focused, stay motivated, and make make make. Keep telling everyone about your art, keep promoting yourself. Enter contests, submit to magazines, get rejected, network. I give myself little journal pep talks where I tell myself I CAN DO THIS! Keep trying. Everything you need is right in front of you.

Home

2010-07-05T12:51:00.000-07:00

How do you define where your home is?
When I travel back to my "home town" of Cape Cod (actually more than one town, My mom has lived in South Yarmouth for the past ten years and my dad and stepmom live in Eastham, where they own a small farm. I spent my childhood in our house in North Truro, a teeny tiny town that no one has ever heard of, except that it is right next to Provincetown.) I often refer to it as "coming home", even though I have not lived there year-round for about nine years. As much as my angsty teenage self would hate to admit it, I truly loved growing up on Cape Cod. Our town was so small, and so safe, I have many fond memories of going to hang out at the beach with my friends, without any adult supervision. We were allowed to run wild, more or less, and sometimes got into some hilarious situations, like the time we decided to go trick-or-treating. In July.
But that is a story for another time.

So, how do you define your home? I think of Cape Cod as my home because that's where my family is, that is where I feel connected, to nature, to my history, and where I feel surrounded by love. Visiting my childhood house briefly last month brought up a lot of interesting feelings. The landscaping had changed somewhat, and the interior seemed bare without all of the artwork and various projects around that I was so used to growing up. It was strange to see this place that held so many memories sort of stripped down and neutralized in a way for other people to live in.

On our last trip to the Cape, we were excited to witness something extraordinary. Our visits to my parents' farm usually involve animal encounters of all kinds, but this time we were in for something special. On Easter, a friend and member of my dad's church had given each of the children a chrysalis of a Cecropia moth. An unusual gift, yes, but an effective symbol of resurrection, and one that was very interesting to watch unfold. Literally.
The Cecropia moth starts out as a crazy looking caterpillar, and builds it's chrysalis on the branch of a tree or bush. When it hatches, it spends most of the day pumping fluid into it's wings, which are absolutely huge, ours was roughly six inches across, maybe more.

We spent most of the day watching ours stretch and contract it's fuzzy abdomen. It's body is fat and about the size of a man's thumb. After we felt it might be ready to fly away, we put it on the leaf of a lilac bush outside the door where we could watch it.
And then we waited.
And waited.
And nothing happened.
And then, the next morning, a surprise!
There were two!

Our fuzzy friend had called for a mate, and even though we had never seen one in the wild before, there he was.

It made me think about growing, and how we go through so many changes over the course of our lives. The life span of a Cercopia moth is 10-14 days. The adult moths don't even have mouth parts, because they are alive for so little time they don't even need to eat. I feel that I am in a stage of change and development, and like this moth, am trying to fulfill my purpose and find my place.
I have spent a lot of my life wishing for a place where I felt that I truly belonged. I think everyone longs to find a place where they can be completely comfortable, completely themselves. I feel like I have found that, to some extent, at this point in my life. I am comfortable where I live now, with my partner in our teeny apartment with all of our favorite things around us, with friends who feel welcomed when they visit, with our two big, cuddly cats and a modest but functional studio for making things. Of course I still wish for improvements, a bigger bedroom, a back yard, wiring that allows the use of more than one appliance at a time. But overall, I am comfortable calling this not just my household, but my home as well.

It's strange how we can have multiple notions of "home". I call my apartment in Somerville "home", even though I know it is likely not a permanent one, and I think of Cape Cod as my home as well, even though I can't point to a specific place within it that I feel is my home anymore. A home should be a resting place, a cultural reference point, a gathering place for family and friends. I suppose my need to find a home is a symptom of becoming an adult, wanting to build a nest, surround myself with things and people that I love. I am getting there, and I have the feeling that while I may not have reached a setting point yet, I am right on track to where I am supposed to be.

Brand New Blog

2010-07-03T17:30:00.000-07:00

Hello, everyone. I have started a new blog. It has the same name as my old blog, is that too weird? While I still find things constantly, I wanted to recreate the Finding Machine identity to be more inclusive of my artwork. At one time I was interested in finding things and posting them as-is for people to look at on the internet. I learned a lot through the project, about connections and respect for people's privacy. I had people tell me that they were angry with me for what I had posted, and people who were amused to find a relic of their past on a blog like this. I also met many many people who shared my interest in examining other people's trash, and trying to find a connection between strangers.

Sadly, the time of the finding project is over. I still enjoy finding things, and I still pick up "trash", but I have moved on to a new way of using it in my art. If you look closely you might see something familiar, something I picked up from the trash bin years ago, made into something new.